Eleven Things Never to Say to an Author

I wish I could do that

No you don't. You wish you could stay at home in your PJs all day, which is what you think I do. What I actually do is work a normal job and also spend hours alone at my computer making things up, like the word 'quobblum,' which I am particularly proud of. Hey. Hey, no! No, don't walk away! I want to tell you about my quobblums...

I had this idea for a book...

Good. And next time you visit your vet I suggest you tell him about the idea you had for a new type of cat.

Remember us when you're rich and famous!

I can't remember you now, mostly because I've been up all night obsessing about whether blood really would show through a wooden plank in a scene that will be cut later anyway. Help me.

Oh, my aunt's sister's disabled dog's walker's husband is a writer, I think. Or a vet...

That's awesome. Does he have coffee or whiskey? No? Well, then ...

I read this book the other day, it was rubbish.


Aren't books dying out? Bit late to get into that game, no?

Something's going to be dying in about four seconds and I guarantee you it isn't books.

You're a writer? Cool! Oh, just kids book? Oh, shame.

Yup, just kids. Good thing they're not some of the most creative, discerning, demanding, open minded readers around, eh? Aha ha. Ha.

So how much money do you make doing that?

Here's a fun new rule. It's called Don't Ask Authors Things You Wouldn't Ask Other Intelligent Adults.

You gonna put me in a book, then?

I might. I might not. Do something interesting and let's see. Look, a bridge! You could jump...

I hate reading.

You say 'hate', I hear 'hit me.' I swear, it's so strange...

You can be the next JK Rowling!

I could, except she's a middle aged woman and I'm a twenty-something guy, so for starters, her dresses will never fit me.


  1. Eh, I bet you could cram yourself in one of J.K.'s dresses. You might feel a little silly, but...


    1. Totally different complexions, it would never work.

  2. This is excellent. Thanks for the laugh!

    1. You're welcome! I'm not really this grumpy... :D

  3. HA! People ask me about money a lot. They just wouldn't ask anybody else the same question - especially in Britian.

  4. A friend emailed me this post - I'm an author too. It actually made me cry from laughing. Thanks for the funny moment.

    1. You're welcome, I'm glad you liked it - and hope you didn't recognize too many of them from real life...